So, Alli and I got out to our house on Prudence Island last Wednesday, the 17th. My good friend Cindy came with us for a MUCH needed reprieve from our day to day lives. We had just settled in for a long winter's nap.....oops, wrong story..... we had just settled ourselves out on the porch when I received a call from Erin. Erin Wylie is the wonderful trainer who matched Alli with me. It's incredible how they are able to match personalities. Granted, they know the dogs really well from the prison programs, but all the trainers know about clients is the information Kathy Foreman collects during the interview. Erin was calling to speak with me about the time frame for Alli going to her new "forever home". I had tentatively aimed for sometime in November as the target date to give Alli her new life. Erin feels that late September or early October would be a more prudent time. Her concerns are that if Alli's vision is already compromised, virtually blind at night, we may not be able to stay "safe". At the moment she's doing fine when she's working. It may be that she's on the lead, and knows that I'm on the other end. When she's "off duty, however, Alli has problems at night when she hears sounds and can't see where they're coming from. At times, she seems not to notice a hand coming "in" to pet her, occasionally even in the daylight. Also, it was very hard to see Alli stumble 2 or 3 times on the beach when there were larger rocks....right in front of her. I have to agree with Erin's projected time frame as Alli also stumbled going up the steps to the porch on the island. While verbally I'm able to "talk a good game", but coming to grips with the idea of Alli leaving me is another story. So far, I am handling it pretty well as long as I remember that this is what's best for Alli. I can't be selfish. If ever there was a time to want the best for "someone" it's now when that someone has given so much of themselves for me.
I've said several times in past posts that Alli is the gift that keeps on giving. Here she is having trouble seeing, starting to become fearful, and she's still alerting me to my migraines, helping me up from falls, being my shoulder to cry on and always being in the "now" for me. And today, not only am I having a tough summer due to the humidity but a couple of days ago my asthma stirred up and last night it became nearly unmanageable. So, I'm dealing with both my restrictive lung disease(my muscles are not strong enough for me to take an adequate breath)as well as the asthma. As always, Alli is right there. Nearly every minute of last night. I was awake all night coughing, and again today she was there by my side. When I got overwhelmed not being able to breathe she sensed this and moved closer. The last ferry left at 6 pm last night so we snuggled right through 'til morning. There are no stores(or restaurants for that matter) so even if I had gotten a returned call from Yale I'm not sure what I would have done. I think Alli knew that and didn't leave my side. **There's also likely to be a "stress" component in this current asthma episode. I've got so much on my mind, that I'm constantly feeling overwhelmed and working really hard to process it and hopefully not let Alli deal with more than she needs to. I think it must be so difficult for Alli, and service dogs in general, being able to sense so much that I wonder exactly what is going on in her head.
Some people don't understand the issue of Alli leaving sooner, or for that matter, how I am able to deal with it as well as I have up to this point. Once again, I have to think of it as a gift. But this time it's the gift I can give to Alli. Allowing Alli to get to know Elizabeth and Andy again, and gain confidence in her new home and surroundings all while she still sees relatively well to me is the priority here. Not to sound crass, but I will go on much like I have in the past. I know that my muscles will continue to weaken but as always I'll get through it. I've learned that things are only as bad as you give them power to be. Alli is the only one here who literally has something to lose. Affording her every opportunity to meet her future with success should be #1. Alli losing her vision is certain. Not being able to work....also a certainty. If those are definite, why not give her a definite positive outcome? As Kathy said about Alli going to Elizabeth, "it's the best possible outcome for a devastating diagnosis". I honestly feel very content and at peace about the decision. And, by Alli leaving sooner, I won't witness her difficulty as her vision fails. It also takes the decision out of my hands, negating the possibility of "hanging on" too long. I have seen too many people watch their pets health decline only because they can't bear to let them go.
Isn't it a greater sense of selflessness to give your pet the gift of love.......
"If you love something, let it go........."
Peace,
Wendy & Alli
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