Friday, July 6, 2012

St. Louis Proves Cathartic!

On Wednesday, June 20th, Mark, Tippy and I headed to St. Louis with the US Pain Foundation.  The Cares Alliance and Covidean provided a grant for us to come to speak with the Covidean employees.  They asked for us to share our "story".  Paul Gileno, President/Founder US Pain, Ellen, her husband Stu and Ellen's service dog, Maggie, Nicole Hemminway and her son and mother were all in attendance as well.  I have to say it was one of the best experiences of my entire life.  Isn't it funny that you find out the most about yourself when your not expecting it?!?  It's the first time since our children were born that Mark and I went away without them other than when we went for consultations at various medical centers through the years.  I think it was important for Mark to be there.  He hasn't traveled with me since my muscles and balance have worsened.  It's also the first time he has traveled with me with my service dog along.

I'll get to the cathartic part in a bit....actually, I really think that the entire trip was cathartic....it seemed there were revelations around every corner.  But, let me start with the traveling.  Once again, Tippy was AMAZING!!!!!  I thought that it might be tough in the airport since he likes to wait for direction, but I was so wrong!  The fact that he's constantly watching me made it seem almost seamless as any time we were turning or waiting, he was ready for the next step.  He was so calm, too, that once again my fear of flying was almost nonexistent.  He was wonderful along side my wheelchair as the attendant rolled me where we needed to go.  Trotting along he looked happy, rather pleased with himself.  I loved it!  

Now, the hotel was amazing.  It was the Marriott @ Union Station.  It was, as it sounds, once a train station!  In it's hey day, '30's and '40's,  several thousand people passed through the station daily. How cool is that?!?  The picture above shows Tippy sitting on an original station bench, and plaques commemorating the space on the original bricks.  The space has been turned into the hotel, and a mini mall where the trains once entered and exited.  The architecture is amazing with the original ceiling work in the Grand Hall/Lobby area.  It's really neat.  It has the original iron gates separating the hotel from the mall, and across from the lobby to get to the elevators for the hotel rooms.  The difference is you now use your "card" room key to get through.

I have already said that Tippy was "AMAZING", but you must remember that he is a dog, and he's just turned 21 months......  That being said, I'm sure you'll get a kick out of this little story.  Keep in mind that he did this on Thursday, just a couple of hours before we went to our speaking engagement in which I was including a demonstration by Tippy, showing behaviors and tasks service dogs are trained to do.  Okay, enough build up!  Ellen and I let Maggie and Tippy play in a grassy area just outside the fenced in pool area.  There was a type of "alleyway" that led from that area, and ran along the pool fence and one side of the hotel.  Tippy ran down there once, and came right back.  Ellen said that she thought the gate at the other end was locked.  Well, you know "Murphy's Law", "What can go wrong, will"?  The next time Tippy ran down there, he didn't come back right away.  Just as I was going to look down there a voice called out from the far end of the pool area....."Hey!", "Dog!", "Swimming!"  He was looking over the back of the pool area!  I "ran"(keep in mind...I can't run!) down the alley, and as I neared the end, I saw that the gate was open!!  OH, MY, GOD!!!  Tippy had gone through the open gate, and jumped into the Koi pond that surrounded the hotel on 2 sides!!!!  Definitely not a pool for swimming, ESPECIALLY A DOG!!!  I was mortified!  I called Tip, and he came right a way, but, when he started to climb out he looked at me, then looked back at the pond, and the pond won out!!!  I was aghast!  I called him again, this time "Level 1" recall, "Tippy, Come!"  Once again, he came right over only this time as he exited the pond he continued on.  He definitely knew he'd done something he shouldn't have.  He was drenched, he didn't shake, his ears were flat against his head, and his tale was tucked underneath.......he walked right past me and down the alleyway..... When he reached the grass, he shook himself off.  Thank, God, when a Lab gets wet then shakes, they're almost dry!  I used a towel from the pool area and buffed him, paying special attention to his chest and legs.  Then we headed to my room where I had him lay for a bit while I rested.  I then used the hair dryer to dry him most of the way before we left for Covidean. 

Now, we're coming to the "cathartic" experience.  I prepared my "presentation" starting with shortly before I became ill, and then followed with my pain "journey".  I decided to include a portion which I have not shared with many people.  It's part of my story, so it's about time I included it.  While Bethany has been aware since almost the time of the incident, Aaron and Emily had no clue.  I spoke to Em before I left for St. Louis, and we cried together.  I didn't have a chance to speak to Aaron before we left, but have since returning.  The incident I refer to took place on October 8th, 1996.  I attempted suicide.  I had spent the last four years suffering from and unknown progressive illness and had visited many doctors for second opinions.  In June of 1996, we were sent to The Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN.  I had convinced myself that the answer would be found there.  Well, after a week of appointments and tests, they came up with a "working" diagnosis that pretty much just describes my issues; "Bi-lateral restrictive lung disease secondary to a proximal myopathy".  It just wasn't enough for me.  Still no suggestions on how to treat it, or a prognosis.  When we returned, I started seeing a different psychiatrist for several months.  One day, upon returning home, I just flipped!  There was no forethought, no plan in place, I just flipped!  I walked into the house ahead of my husband locking the front door behind me.  I then walked into my room, picked up a just filled prescription for 60 Xanax, walked into the bathroom locking that door behind me as well, and,........took the entire bottle of medication.....ALL of it!!  I flushed the empty container down the toilet and sat on the floor of the bathroom with my back against the door.....  I don't need to go into any more detail, suffice it to say that I thank God that I was unsuccessful because the best days of my life have been the ones since.....  That is what I included in my talk, though not in that much detail.  As I was reading and looking out at the audience, I began to sob.  Not full out crying, but sobbing just the same.  The instant I read that part, I actually felt a weight lifted off my shoulders.  It was the first time I had spoken of it outside my "shrinks'" office, and the first time I had cried............  You know how people say that if they can make a difference in one person's life it's worth it?  Well, I sent a "Thank You" to the individual who was responsible for our trip and presentation.  I mentioned that I hoped I hadn't left a negative spin on things.  She said absolutely not!  She actually thanked me because shortly after our visit she attended a "meeting" and found the strength to share something about her health that she'd never shared before.  I guess it really was worth it.............  I have more to say about the trip, but I've gone on so long, I think I'll just leave you with a thought...........you never know how strong you are until you take that leap of faith.......