Well, my last post explained the situation in which Alli and I now find ourselves. She will go blind due to a genetic disorder sometime in the next 1-2 years. The kindest thing I can now do for her is probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make. Alli will be leaving me and going to a new home where she can enjoy her life without sight. After meeting with staff at NEADS on August 1st, following the decisive appointment at Tufts with the veterinary ophthalmologist, it was decided that NEADS would begin looking for a home for Alli. One of the ways I'm getting through this is by calling it her new "forever home". That way I can always remember that Alli and I had a wonderful home together and now we're moving onto the next "chapter" in our lives. I think that first week in August will go down as the single most painful time of my life.....and that's saying quite a bit! I was filled with much ambivalence as to how to approach this place in time, or even if I could.
I had posted a "Thank You" on Facebook for the prayers Alli and I received as we neared our August 1st appointment. I mentioned that unfortunately the news was not good but that the prayers we had received would get us through this next period of time when decisions about our future(s) would have to be made. I stated that if one read my blog this would all be explained and then went ahead and posted the details on my blog. In the meantime, my brother had called and during our conversation he asked several questions as to what it would entail to care for a blind dog. I had asked him if he was interested in adopting Alli and he told me at this point he was just inquiring. That evening, I sent off and e-mail to Kathy at NEADS with this information along with a brief intro to my brother and his family. The next day was spent with me going back and forth on the pros and cons of Alli going to my brother and his family. My biggest hurdle was knowing how hard it would be seeing Alli as she progressed to complete blindness. I think I would have driven myself crazy weighing this option, knowing it would be wonderful for Alli, and was I being selfish if I denied her that happiness just to spare myself the heartache. I was wondering if I could help wit this decision, when......it happened.....
YES, THERE ARE MIRACLES!
Kathy was just sitting down to answer my e-mail about my brother when the front desk "buzzed" her to let her know that Elizabeth, Alli's "Weekend Puppy Raiser", was on the phone. While she doesn't often go on Facebook, Elizabeth had read my posting and had gone to my blog only to find out the devastating news. She had immediately picked up the phone to call Kathy to let her know that if Alli needed a new home, she and her husband would feel "privileged" to offer her one. I know in the early days of my blog, I mentioned how much Alli loved Elizabeth, and vise versa. When I met Elizabeth at the "Meet and Greet"(held the Saturday of the weekend between the 2 weeks of training at NEADS) she had cried so hard when she saw Alli. Alli was so happy to see Elizabeth that it was really hard to keep her relatively(remember this is Alli that I'm speaking of.....!) calm during the visit. When Elizabeth left she was once again sobbing, you could see the love in her eyes, and Alli actually whined a bit and pulled on her leash to follow. If ever there was such a thing as fate, this has got to be a prime example...... It almost sounds trite when one says that "God has something else planned for them", but I think this may be the case. Another "silly" thing is that every morning after I feed Alli I go right into the shower. Almost w/out exception I sing 3 songs/hymns while in the shower. I start with "Amazing Grace", go into Harry Chapin's "Circle" and recently added the camp song "Alleluia" before finishing with another round of "Amazing Grace". I realized this morning, that Alli has provided me with very "amazing grace", her life seems to be coming full "circle", and I thank God every day "alleluia" for that grace! Particularly, in "Circle", the lines "It seems like I've been here before", and "I've found you a thousand times" and again with "As I find you here again, a thought runs through my mind, our love is like a circle, let's go round one more time" are the poignant lines. While Alli is an amazing service dog, I liken her to a wild pony.....I've always thought that she'd love to "run like the wind". She will, I imagine, be able to do something along those lines when she starts the next phase of her life.....with Elizabeth and Andy.
After learning of Elizabeth's offer, I was finally able to have the "good" cry I've been needing, and found that I had such a sense of "calm" afterward. I used to tell my children that if they need to make a difficult decision, and once made they felt that calm, that it was probably the right one. I know that when the time comes it will be more than difficult but knowing that Alli will have the quality of life that she deserves with wonderful loving owners will allow me to know that it's "the best possible outcome for the worst possible news". Surprisingly, another thing that's helping me to accept the inevitable is looking at the "11am Cute Puppy" pictures and captions on the NEADS blog. http://assistancedogs.wordpress.com
I had already followed the blog and adored the pics, but knowing that maybe one could be my new partner, Alli and I look at them together daily, allows me to begin to look forward again and not be caught up in what cannot be. I spoke with Elizabeth on the phone yesterday for quite a while, and when I got off the phone, I was surprised to hear myself say to my husband, "I feel pretty good right now"! We spoke of things she remembered from her days with Alli, some of Alli's behaviors(both good and some challenging!), commands, a possible time frame for the "move", things that have helped with her fears in the dark at this point, etc. I had such a good sense of how Elizabeth was looking forward to this and preparing. It almost seems like a type of "open adoption" of sorts. I will be able to see pics of Al, stay in touch via cell, e-mail, Facebook and honestly have no reservations regarding Alli's adoption by them. Elizabeth has had experience with disabled animals from horses to rabbits, as well as some time spent with autistic children. I don't believe there could be any better placement than this.
I hope that as the next few weeks to a few months play out I will have more regular postings as this process is important for many on many different levels. My one hope is that I can stay as focused and as positive as I am now without leaning on the selfish side. While receiving Alli was about me and regaining some lost independence, right now it HAS TO BE ABOUT ALLI. I will be able to move forward...one way or the other. Alli's greatest gift to me has been the knowledge that "come hell or high water" I will survive and get through this and there is more help out there for me in the form of another service dog. It may be a long wait, or a short one, but there will be another dog for me. I trust NEADS implicitly....I have to have faith....after all, look at the match they made when they put Alli and I together. So, now it's Alli's turn to be "served". Her best interests for the future must be at the forefront. And, I firmly believe that her future lies with Elizabeth and Andy...........
Hoping that everyone is able to find the PEACE in their lives,
Wendy and Alli
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