Alli and I Face the Future and Emotions

So, Alli and I got out to our house on Prudence Island last Wednesday, the 17th. My good friend Cindy came with us for a MUCH needed reprieve from our day to day lives. We had just settled in for a long winter's nap.....oops, wrong story..... we had just settled ourselves out on the porch when I received a call from Erin. Erin Wylie is the wonderful trainer who matched Alli with me. It's incredible how they are able to match personalities. Granted, they know the dogs really well from the prison programs, but all the trainers know about clients is the information Kathy Foreman collects during the interview. Erin was calling to speak with me about the time frame for Alli going to her new "forever home". I had tentatively aimed for sometime in November as the target date to give Alli her new life. Erin feels that late September or early October would be a more prudent time. Her concerns are that if Alli's vision is already compromised, virtually blind at night, we may not be able to stay "safe". At the moment she's doing fine when she's working. It may be that she's on the lead, and knows that I'm on the other end. When she's "off duty, however, Alli has problems at night when she hears sounds and can't see where they're coming from. At times, she seems not to notice a hand coming "in" to pet her, occasionally even in the daylight. Also, it was very hard to see Alli stumble 2 or 3 times on the beach when there were larger rocks....right in front of her. I have to agree with Erin's projected time frame as Alli also stumbled going up the steps to the porch on the island. While verbally I'm able to "talk a good game", but coming to grips with the idea of Alli leaving me is another story. So far, I am handling it pretty well as long as I remember that this is what's best for Alli. I can't be selfish. If ever there was a time to want the best for "someone" it's now when that someone has given so much of themselves for me.

I've said several times in past posts that Alli is the gift that keeps on giving. Here she is having trouble seeing, starting to become fearful, and she's still alerting me to my migraines, helping me up from falls, being my shoulder to cry on and always being in the "now" for me. And today, not only am I having a tough summer due to the humidity but a couple of days ago my asthma stirred up and last night it became nearly unmanageable. So, I'm dealing with both my restrictive lung disease(my muscles are not strong enough for me to take an adequate breath)as well as the asthma. As always, Alli is right there. Nearly every minute of last night. I was awake all night coughing, and again today she was there by my side. When I got overwhelmed not being able to breathe she sensed this and moved closer. The last ferry left at 6 pm last night so we snuggled right through 'til morning. There are no stores(or restaurants for that matter) so even if I had gotten a returned call from Yale I'm not sure what I would have done. I think Alli knew that and didn't leave my side. **There's also likely to be a "stress" component in this current asthma episode. I've got so much on my mind, that I'm constantly feeling overwhelmed and working really hard to process it and hopefully not let Alli deal with more than she needs to. I think it must be so difficult for Alli, and service dogs in general, being able to sense so much that I wonder exactly what is going on in her head.

Some people don't understand the issue of Alli leaving sooner, or for that matter, how I am able to deal with it as well as I have up to this point. Once again, I have to think of it as a gift. But this time it's the gift I can give to Alli. Allowing Alli to get to know Elizabeth and Andy again, and gain confidence in her new home and surroundings all while she still sees relatively well to me is the priority here. Not to sound crass, but I will go on much like I have in the past. I know that my muscles will continue to weaken but as always I'll get through it. I've learned that things are only as bad as you give them power to be. Alli is the only one here who literally has something to lose. Affording her every opportunity to meet her future with success should be #1. Alli losing her vision is certain. Not being able to work....also a certainty. If those are definite, why not give her a definite positive outcome? As Kathy said about Alli going to Elizabeth, "it's the best possible outcome for a devastating diagnosis". I honestly feel very content and at peace about the decision. And, by Alli leaving sooner, I won't witness her difficulty as her vision fails. It also takes the decision out of my hands, negating the possibility of "hanging on" too long. I have seen too many people watch their pets health decline only because they can't bear to let them go.

Isn't it a greater sense of selflessness to give your pet the gift of love.......

"If you love something, let it go........."

Peace,
Wendy & Alli

Miracles and Memories

Well, my last post explained the situation in which Alli and I now find ourselves. She will go blind due to a genetic disorder sometime in the next 1-2 years. The kindest thing I can now do for her is probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make. Alli will be leaving me and going to a new home where she can enjoy her life without sight. After meeting with staff at NEADS on August 1st, following the decisive appointment at Tufts with the veterinary ophthalmologist, it was decided that NEADS would begin looking for a home for Alli. One of the ways I'm getting through this is by calling it her new "forever home". That way I can always remember that Alli and I had a wonderful home together and now we're moving onto the next "chapter" in our lives. I think that first week in August will go down as the single most painful time of my life.....and that's saying quite a bit! I was filled with much ambivalence as to how to approach this place in time, or even if I could.

I had posted a "Thank You" on Facebook for the prayers Alli and I received as we neared our August 1st appointment. I mentioned that unfortunately the news was not good but that the prayers we had received would get us through this next period of time when decisions about our future(s) would have to be made. I stated that if one read my blog this would all be explained and then went ahead and posted the details on my blog. In the meantime, my brother had called and during our conversation he asked several questions as to what it would entail to care for a blind dog. I had asked him if he was interested in adopting Alli and he told me at this point he was just inquiring. That evening, I sent off and e-mail to Kathy at NEADS with this information along with a brief intro to my brother and his family. The next day was spent with me going back and forth on the pros and cons of Alli going to my brother and his family. My biggest hurdle was knowing how hard it would be seeing Alli as she progressed to complete blindness. I think I would have driven myself crazy weighing this option, knowing it would be wonderful for Alli, and was I being selfish if I denied her that happiness just to spare myself the heartache. I was wondering if I could help wit this decision, when......it happened.....

YES, THERE ARE MIRACLES!

Kathy was just sitting down to answer my e-mail about my brother when the front desk "buzzed" her to let her know that Elizabeth, Alli's "Weekend Puppy Raiser", was on the phone. While she doesn't often go on Facebook, Elizabeth had read my posting and had gone to my blog only to find out the devastating news. She had immediately picked up the phone to call Kathy to let her know that if Alli needed a new home, she and her husband would feel "privileged" to offer her one. I know in the early days of my blog, I mentioned how much Alli loved Elizabeth, and vise versa. When I met Elizabeth at the "Meet and Greet"(held the Saturday of the weekend between the 2 weeks of training at NEADS) she had cried so hard when she saw Alli. Alli was so happy to see Elizabeth that it was really hard to keep her relatively(remember this is Alli that I'm speaking of.....!) calm during the visit. When Elizabeth left she was once again sobbing, you could see the love in her eyes, and Alli actually whined a bit and pulled on her leash to follow. If ever there was such a thing as fate, this has got to be a prime example...... It almost sounds trite when one says that "God has something else planned for them", but I think this may be the case. Another "silly" thing is that every morning after I feed Alli I go right into the shower. Almost w/out exception I sing 3 songs/hymns while in the shower. I start with "Amazing Grace", go into Harry Chapin's "Circle" and recently added the camp song "Alleluia" before finishing with another round of "Amazing Grace". I realized this morning, that Alli has provided me with very "amazing grace", her life seems to be coming full "circle", and I thank God every day "alleluia" for that grace! Particularly, in "Circle", the lines "It seems like I've been here before", and "I've found you a thousand times" and again with "As I find you here again, a thought runs through my mind, our love is like a circle, let's go round one more time" are the poignant lines. While Alli is an amazing service dog, I liken her to a wild pony.....I've always thought that she'd love to "run like the wind". She will, I imagine, be able to do something along those lines when she starts the next phase of her life.....with Elizabeth and Andy.

After learning of Elizabeth's offer, I was finally able to have the "good" cry I've been needing, and found that I had such a sense of "calm" afterward. I used to tell my children that if they need to make a difficult decision, and once made they felt that calm, that it was probably the right one. I know that when the time comes it will be more than difficult but knowing that Alli will have the quality of life that she deserves with wonderful loving owners will allow me to know that it's "the best possible outcome for the worst possible news". Surprisingly, another thing that's helping me to accept the inevitable is looking at the "11am Cute Puppy" pictures and captions on the NEADS blog. http://assistancedogs.wordpress.com
I had already followed the blog and adored the pics, but knowing that maybe one could be my new partner, Alli and I look at them together daily, allows me to begin to look forward again and not be caught up in what cannot be. I spoke with Elizabeth on the phone yesterday for quite a while, and when I got off the phone, I was surprised to hear myself say to my husband, "I feel pretty good right now"! We spoke of things she remembered from her days with Alli, some of Alli's behaviors(both good and some challenging!), commands, a possible time frame for the "move", things that have helped with her fears in the dark at this point, etc. I had such a good sense of how Elizabeth was looking forward to this and preparing. It almost seems like a type of "open adoption" of sorts. I will be able to see pics of Al, stay in touch via cell, e-mail, Facebook and honestly have no reservations regarding Alli's adoption by them. Elizabeth has had experience with disabled animals from horses to rabbits, as well as some time spent with autistic children. I don't believe there could be any better placement than this.

I hope that as the next few weeks to a few months play out I will have more regular postings as this process is important for many on many different levels. My one hope is that I can stay as focused and as positive as I am now without leaning on the selfish side. While receiving Alli was about me and regaining some lost independence, right now it HAS TO BE ABOUT ALLI. I will be able to move forward...one way or the other. Alli's greatest gift to me has been the knowledge that "come hell or high water" I will survive and get through this and there is more help out there for me in the form of another service dog. It may be a long wait, or a short one, but there will be another dog for me. I trust NEADS implicitly....I have to have faith....after all, look at the match they made when they put Alli and I together. So, now it's Alli's turn to be "served". Her best interests for the future must be at the forefront. And, I firmly believe that her future lies with Elizabeth and Andy...........

Hoping that everyone is able to find the PEACE in their lives,
Wendy and Alli

The Results Are In

Well, I've been putting this off since Monday, the 1st. In my last post I mentioned that Alli(pictured above w/ my good friend Bob Marshall doing what she loves!) had seen an ophthalmologist at Tufts for her annual "free" service dog eye exam. I selected Tufts because her "droopy" eyes have always run. I expected to be told that I needed to use drops or a cream to help. They have never seemed to bother her, I just thought it was worth finding out. In any case, instead I was told that the doc suspected PRA(progressive retinal atrophy), a genetic disorder that causes blindness in dogs within 2 1/2 - 3 years of diagnosis. We sent a blood sample to Opti-Gen., the testing facility and had a short lived sigh of relief when the result was negative. There is no "gray area", she didn't/doesn't have PRA. However, when checking with the lab, the specialist was told that a very small percentage of dogs who test negative for PRA have a similar disorder which mimics the symptoms as well as ending in blindness. The first symptom is night blindness, and gradually over time all vision is lost. There is no specific blood test or name for this other disorder as the gene has yet to be isolated and so can't be tested. After learning of this the ophthalmologist had us make an appointment to have an additional test done.

On Monday, August 1st, Alli had an "electroretinogram". In this test, contact like electrodes are placed on the eye itself. First measurements are taken in normal lighting. Then, the pupils are dilated and checked in a dark room. In the darkness, a series of light "flashes" are held in front of the eyes(kind of like strobes) and measurements are taken to see how the retina reacts to the flash. Following this initial darkroom test, there is a 5 minute interval before retesting in the same darkened conditions w/out the lights being turned on in between. If you think about it, when you are initially in a dark room, after a few minutes your eyes begin to become accustomed to the darkness and you start to be able to see shapes, and eventually make out objects in the room. That is the purpose of the 2nd and sometimes 3rd set of darkroom tests. The measurements should show an improvement after 5, then 10(if necessary)minutes. Alli had no change in her "waves" and measured little to no change in her reaction. This showed that she in unable to see in the dark, night blindness, at this point. Her "waves" in the lit room show a marked decrease in reaction and dilation showing that she is in the process of losing her vision completely. The doctor said that she would be completely blind in 1 1/2 - 2 yrs, but due to the current results it could be less than 1 year.

As I said earlier, I have been grieving since May 11th when I got the initial possible diagnosis. I have had lots of time to weigh the options before us. My very first gut reaction was that Alli should be allowed to "live out her days" with a family with plenty of land, experience caring for handicapped animals, and a lot of love to give my best friend. Then, after listening to others say that since Alli is such a great service dog and LOVES working, I selfishly thought that maybe with some work Alli would be able to continue doing what she enjoys doing. Ultimately, I realized that what is important is that Alli is placed with a family as mentioned above while she is still able to see, become accustomed to the "lay-of-the-land" and see and know who is loving her in her new "forever home".

Following our appointment at Tufts on Monday, one of my classmates from NEADS drove me the hour to Princeton to meet with staff there. As I have said before, the NEADS family is so very important once you are entrusted with your new partner. They take you in as a member of their family from the moment you're accepted to receive a dog. From that point on they are always available, whether by phone, e-mail or in person, to answer questions, help with new behaviors, help you keep your dog in check(.....not often necessary......unless you have a character like Alli!!!!!) or just to welcome you when you touch base. We discussed Alli's future, and it was decided that they would begin the process of finding a new home for her. In the meantime I will go back on the "list" for a new dog. Kathy, from NEADS, asked if a home was found for Alli sooner rather than later would I be able to let her go. I explained that I would almost rather that were the case since that would take the decision out of my hands and I wouldn't risk trying to hang on to her too long. She also asked if when another dog was found would I be ready to accept it. This, too, would be okay since I've been preparing myself since May for the inevitable separation from Alli. Knowing that the blindness is in terms of "when", and not "if" allows me to move on as I know that Alli will be placed with someone who can care for her better than I will be able to once she is blind.

Is this going to be easy? NO WAY!!!!!! But I know in the end it will all work out for the best, and that I will get through this as will Alli. Somehow the adage "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" seems appropriate at this point. For surely, both Alli and I will need all our strength and then some to see through to the other side. Will the next dog be like Alli? I sure hope not! Obviously, I'm sure the dog will be an amazing service dog as all NEADS dogs are, but I honestly can't believe there's another dog w/ Alli's personality.......nor do I think there should be. Being aware that Alli was a "one-of-a-kind" is what will allow me to accept a new partner. Because, we will be partners. Just like Alli and I were. And, I'm sure that this next dog will be like the next chapter in my life, or actually a major part of the next chapter. At the risk of sounding corny, I hope my life story has many chapters, and if I look at it that way, I can look forward to what's to be written on the next page rather than try to write the past over and over. Alli, too, is merely turning the page to the next chapter. And, if I'm not mistaken, if hers was a "picture book" the pages would be filled with bright colors, warm smiles, and confetti everywhere. At least that's what my mind sees when I think of her.

A little crazy, I know, but it's my kind of crazy!

I will continue to post as our adventure unfolds.......

Thanks for your continued support.......