Here is Pastor Ken Peterkin, Ken, saying a prayer for Alli's and my future. Our church family has been so supportive and welcoming of Alli's presence in my life and in the life of the church. It seemed only fitting when he said that he would like to send her off in worship. Much like when our Adults and Youth are sent off on a mission trip through worship. It was quite difficult when he asked me to explain how we find ourselves in this position, and what it means for Alli's future and where I go from here.As you can see, Alli is very comfortable with Ken. She just played with his Golden Retriever, Augie, a couple of weeks ago. They swam at the pond by the Dog "Paw" Park. Alli swam, ran, rolled(in the sand, yuck!), ran some more, swam and then we left. She will probably get a lot more exercise with Elizabeth and Andy. I make sure she gets enough, but man, she can run. Alli is also sooo comfortable when she's in church. She loves the music of the organ and the choirs and I think she really enjoys the down time as well. It was interesting today, I thought, that for the first time since she's been coming to church she didn't sleep. She usually tends to fall asleep shortly after church begins and even when there's a change in tempo or it's quiet she seems to know exactly when church is over and when it's a "false alarm"! I really think she is sensing that something is changing. Whether she is being bothered by noticing that her vision is changing, or if I'm unknowingly "telegraphing" her upcoming departure, I'm not sure. Alli has also started to drool a bit again. If you remember from my earliest posts, when we first met, she drooled a lot! It even prompted me to carry my red "Alli-Rag" wherever we went. It seemed, though, that once she knew she was "home" she stopped. After that she really only drooled when she knew a meal or snack was coming. I really haven't been aware of any major changes in my behavior that would set her off. We still snuggle nightly, she gets her massage and tummy rub nightly as well, and we really seem to be keeping the status quo. I know that you can't count on your pets not picking up signs in your behavior. I used to tell parents that if anything is going on at home you better believe that your child knows a lot more than you think they do. No matter how quiet you whisper, discussions when you think they're sleeping, or even hand signals, the kids always know what's up. I'm really hoping Alli hasn't sensed that things are as bad as they seem. In fact, things are not so bleak. I truly believe that Alli is going to have the most wonderful life.
Now, while I keep saying that she is going to have a wonderful life, it's most definitely going to be hard as hell to watch Alli walk away from me for the last time. I think it's great that we're parting ways at the "Triumph Over Pain: Run, Walk, or Roll" event. I think it would be so much harder if I had to say good bye from either my house or the NEADS campus. It's always difficult to leave her at the groomer......and she's only gone for 2 1/2 - 3 hours! The groomers are great, they all love Alli, and yet it's like sending your child off to their first day of kindergarten each time. I may be able to get through the separation initially, but it will really hit me by the 3rd hour.......of course I'll probably be sobbing for the first 3 hours anyway! Thank God my friend is going with me so she can drive home......coincidentally a 3 hour drive. She even offered to get a room at a hotel the night before the US Pain Foundation event so we're not having to drive 6 hours in one day on top of the emotional factor. I'm also trying to look ahead to when it's just me. I won't have a reason to get up at 7:00am.......no one will be sneaking up alongside me in bed and tapping my legs with their paws to let me know it's time for breakfast. There won't be a wet nose sitting by the kennel at 2:00pm waiting for her "chew"(rawhide square). When my Mark comes home from work @ 5:00pm, 4 paws won't go racing through the house to the front door and a quick about face to get to the kennel for dinner. Every time I stand during the day there won't be a warm body against mine waiting to help at a seconds' notice. There won't be someone eagerly waiting to go outside to earn treats for a job well done practicing. There won't be a big puppy head, head-butting me when one of my migraines/mild strokes is coming to make sure I take my med......and not letting up until I take my pill w/water. And, there won't be a pair of gorgeous eyes looking up at me when I'm sad, confused, or crying to let me know that everything will be okay, and then licking my face and ears until I say "I'm okay".
There are a lot of things that won't be there any more. But now it's time for me to add new things in their place. Alli will be having new experiences and I, too, need to be able to accept new experiences and, eventually a new dog. I need to begin to allow myself to move on even while still in the grieving process. I've allowed myself to grieve since Alli's first visit to Tufts in May, heck, I think I began a bit sooner than that. I knew something was changing, something wasn't quite right even before May, I just wasn't sure what it could be. I am very good at compartmentalizing anything that can be overtaxing. I think that's how I've been able to stay relatively logical in my views of our situation. Allowing myself all this time to grieve has also allowed me to begin to move through the grief to the "other side". Knowing that this is not a "death sentence" for Alli, but another chapter in her life story, or act in her play, has made the grieving process kinder and gentler for me as I know she will go on being "Alli" for a long time. Now, I need to go on being "Wendy", hopefully for a long time as well. Knowing that she will have pleasant experiences allows me to look to the future in hopes of such experiences for me as well.
I think I've mentioned how Harry Chapin's song "Circle" seems so fitting in our lives right now. The first verse, "It seems like I've been here before........", obviously fits especially for Alli and Elizabeth and Andy. It also seems to fit with where I find myself now as well. The end of the first verse, "there's no straight lines make up my life, And all my roads have bends, There's no clear cut beginning, And so far no big ends", has always seemed to me to be the story of my life. I can't imagine a life/road without bends. I imagine it would seem to be a stagnant one. I much prefer the bends, you never know what's around the next one. It's the adventure that takes you there and the experience one grows through. The second verse, "I've found you a thousand times, I guess you've done the same.......""......as I find you here again a thought runs through my mind, Our love is like a circle, let's go 'round one more time" seems to be speaking directly to Alli's relationship with Elizabeth and Andy. And then, there's the chorus. "All my life's a circle..." It always seems you end up where you started but with a lot more experience to handle the next go-round.
I only hope that I've absorbed the knowledge and experience that was meant for me and that is what will carry me into and through this next chapter........I love a good read!!!!!
Peace,
Wendy & Alli
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