A New Beginning......for Both of Us......

This is how I'd like to remember Alli.....goofy! Someone at the US Pain Foundation's "Triumph Over Pain-Run, Walk or Roll" asked me how Alli helps me up from falls. So I crouched down.....with some difficulty. Alli looked hard at me as she's not used to me going down so slowly.....it's usually a quick fall. I looked at her and asked if she were going to help or give me a kiss....guess which she chose!?!? Of course, then she helped. A two for one deal!!!!

All in all, I think Saturday probably went better than I had expected. I think I was aware of every moment as it passed nearing the "10:00 departure". It even started the night before. Alli is such a snuggler, but this time I really think she knew it had to be for keeps. In the morning, she was loving, goofy, and just plain Alli. I was up and dressed, as usual, before Debbie awoke. When she did, she asked Alli if she were going to get her up.....that's one of Alli's favorite things. To be asked to wake someone up is probably on her list of top 10 favorites. She ran over to Debbie, looked at me, and when I said "go ahead", she jumped on to the bed and nudged Deb. When Debbie started to laugh, Alli stretched out along side her and then onto her back.....as always for the tummy rub!!!! Alli knows how to always make it about her, but without you knowing it because you, too, are getting so much love out of the deal!! At our house on Prudence Island, Debbie's granddaughter loves to have me tell Alli to "nudge" the bedroom door open first and then tell her to get Liv and Deb up.

Alli was very well behaved on Saturday.....until.....she saw Elizabeth and Andy approaching. I saw them coming down from the upper parking lot before Alli and came out from behind the table I was sitting at. As soon as we came around the banners Alli saw them as well. Right away she began to whine, cry, and pull. I must say it made my heart sink for a moment but rebounded right away knowing that these people have always received this response from Alli. This is exactly what I wanted for Alli. How obvious that she feels so good, so loved when she is in their company.

I took time to explain what I was bringing to send with Alli. Probably too many toys, and I only brought the ones that she plays with regularly! She is sooooo like one of my pre-k kids. She just needs time to mature a bit......like a lifetime!!!!! I'm sure many will be replaced with new ones, as they should. She should be able to make new memories with new toys. There are several that were really special to Alli. One was "Rex", just a stuffy that she often liked to pull under her chin like a pillow of sorts. Another is this really silly round ball, bright green.....with feet! It's the dumbest looking think that we always called "squeaker". She loved running from one end of the house to the other just squeaking! Alli always looked to get it after we practiced our skills, whether in Fellowship Hall at church, or out in our calder-sac. I tried to keep it as an inside toy just so she would have it longer, but she absolutely loved running with it.

I took quite a few pictures and had others use my camera to get pictures of all of us. I can't believe the last pictures we took of Alli show her in a "t-shirt"!!!!!! I NEVER put clothes on pets! I can't stand it unless it's a hairless dog or cat that requires it for warmth or sun protection. I was getting a "Triumph Over Pain....." shirt for myself, and the woman actually insisted that she had one that would fit Alli. So, not knowing how to say "No", I put one on Alli backwards so that the "walk" logo would show above the edge of her vest. Then, after I removed the vest, the "Service Dog" tag and my medication vial from Alli's collar I forgot to take the shirt off. Unfortunately none of us thought of taking it off until Alli was leaving and I kind of called over to them to please take the t-shirt off. Oh, well, at least I'll continue to smirk when I look at those pictures and see Alli putting up with it all. She's such a trooper!!!!

When I kissed Alli good-bye, and hugged and kissed Elizabeth and Andy I knew I was about to lose it so I had to walk away. Debbie walked to their car with them. She said that as they walked, Alli kind of looked back at me, forward toward their car, and did this several times before getting into the car. She stood a moment before laying down and then, that was it.

I said in an e-mail to a close friend concerned for me, as well as on Facebook, that having to give Alli up on Saturday was both the hardest thing I've ever had to do and the most fulfilling. I know that making sure Alli went to the right family was paramount. I had to give up one of the most important beings in my life. One who has made my life so fulfilling once again when I thought it could never be that way. But, life goes on, and as hard as it is to think this way, there will be another "partner" for me. Not another Alli, but another service dog that will be just as loving, just as helpful and will make my life just as fulfilling. Alli taught me that everything is possible if you have the assistance and the belief that you can achieve anything. She also taught me that I needed to make sure that I return that love in kind. It seems to me that making sure that she is in a loving home, with a loving family who is ready willing and able to see her through her blindness is the best way I can return that love. And, one way or another, we'll both move on....

Below is a picture of the most amazing couple I've ever met,
and Alli is blessed to be part of their family.

Andy and Elizabeth Meritt Harkness
and Alli
9/24/2011

LAST PLAY-DATE!!!!!!!

On Tuesday, September 20, 2011 Alli and I got together with Ellen and Maggie, and Karin and Lucky. It was to be the last play-date for the pups. They had a wonderful time! Actually, I'm not sure who needed it more, Alli, or me. Yes, I do. I needed it. I needed to be able to touch base where it all began. I only wish Eddie could have been there too. It feels a little odd. When we get together next, Ellen mentioned when she gets back from surgery in WI November 20th, I will not have Alli. I'll be in a type of "limbo". It will also be difficult, because we met are dogs on November 9, 2009, and finished our training on the 20th. It will be 2 years to the day.

While at Ellen's.......it was a great afternoon......as always, we talked about just about everything there is to talk about. Our trials, tribulations, health.....etc. We talked about the past, the weekend coming up for Alli's departure, and the future. I started wondering....... When a dog is found for me, it could be 12-18 mos., I will go for my 2 weeks of training again. So, between wondering what the dog will be like, I also find myself wondering what my classmates will be like. The four of us really lucked out that first time. We just seemed to hit it off right off the bat. We have completely different personalities, different disabilities/illnesses, different backgrounds, but we just sort of "got" each other. Eddie and I even took turns playing the "straight man" to each other's humor. We all found it relatively easy to talk to each other on our "down" time. I now find myself in the familiar territory of uncertainty. While I usually hav no trouble getting along with people I've just met, I dread new situations just the same. That's something Alli has really helped me with. While NEADS provides "social" dogs for children with autism and other disabilities; Alli has been not only my service dog but my social dog as well. I have entered more social situations and participated in more conversations since receiving her. I never would have spoken to legislators without her by my side. So, now it's like starting over. It will be a new social situation when I go for my training, and it will begin without a dog beside me. What will the group be like. Will we function as a group or as individuals? I know it's still a very long way off, but this is what I do.

The time we spent together on Tuesday reminded me of how important it is to have support. And not just any support, but the support of those who have traveled the same road. While Karin did have Lucky returned to her after his illness, and thank God Maggie hasn't had to deal with anything which would take her away from Ellen, they know what these dogs mean to us. They understand what it's all about. I'm still not sure how I'll handle it. I know I want a picture of Alli walking away with Elizabeth and Andy. It will be the closure I need.

I don't think I'm quite done here, but I can't stop coughing and I keep feeling like I'm suffocating.
In any case, I'll end here,
Wish us luck on Saturday,
Peace,
Wendy & Alli

Alli's Church Family Says "Farewell" Through Worship

Here is Pastor Ken Peterkin, Ken, saying a prayer for Alli's and my future. Our church family has been so supportive and welcoming of Alli's presence in my life and in the life of the church. It seemed only fitting when he said that he would like to send her off in worship. Much like when our Adults and Youth are sent off on a mission trip through worship. It was quite difficult when he asked me to explain how we find ourselves in this position, and what it means for Alli's future and where I go from here.


As you can see, Alli is very comfortable with Ken. She just played with his Golden Retriever, Augie, a couple of weeks ago. They swam at the pond by the Dog "Paw" Park. Alli swam, ran, rolled(in the sand, yuck!), ran some more, swam and then we left. She will probably get a lot more exercise with Elizabeth and Andy. I make sure she gets enough, but man, she can run. Alli is also sooo comfortable when she's in church. She loves the music of the organ and the choirs and I think she really enjoys the down time as well. It was interesting today, I thought, that for the first time since she's been coming to church she didn't sleep. She usually tends to fall asleep shortly after church begins and even when there's a change in tempo or it's quiet she seems to know exactly when church is over and when it's a "false alarm"! I really think she is sensing that something is changing. Whether she is being bothered by noticing that her vision is changing, or if I'm unknowingly "telegraphing" her upcoming departure, I'm not sure. Alli has also started to drool a bit again. If you remember from my earliest posts, when we first met, she drooled a lot! It even prompted me to carry my red "Alli-Rag" wherever we went. It seemed, though, that once she knew she was "home" she stopped. After that she really only drooled when she knew a meal or snack was coming. I really haven't been aware of any major changes in my behavior that would set her off. We still snuggle nightly, she gets her massage and tummy rub nightly as well, and we really seem to be keeping the status quo. I know that you can't count on your pets not picking up signs in your behavior. I used to tell parents that if anything is going on at home you better believe that your child knows a lot more than you think they do. No matter how quiet you whisper, discussions when you think they're sleeping, or even hand signals, the kids always know what's up. I'm really hoping Alli hasn't sensed that things are as bad as they seem. In fact, things are not so bleak. I truly believe that Alli is going to have the most wonderful life.

Now, while I keep saying that she is going to have a wonderful life, it's most definitely going to be hard as hell to watch Alli walk away from me for the last time. I think it's great that we're parting ways at the "Triumph Over Pain: Run, Walk, or Roll" event. I think it would be so much harder if I had to say good bye from either my house or the NEADS campus. It's always difficult to leave her at the groomer......and she's only gone for 2 1/2 - 3 hours! The groomers are great, they all love Alli, and yet it's like sending your child off to their first day of kindergarten each time. I may be able to get through the separation initially, but it will really hit me by the 3rd hour.......of course I'll probably be sobbing for the first 3 hours anyway! Thank God my friend is going with me so she can drive home......coincidentally a 3 hour drive. She even offered to get a room at a hotel the night before the US Pain Foundation event so we're not having to drive 6 hours in one day on top of the emotional factor. I'm also trying to look ahead to when it's just me. I won't have a reason to get up at 7:00am.......no one will be sneaking up alongside me in bed and tapping my legs with their paws to let me know it's time for breakfast. There won't be a wet nose sitting by the kennel at 2:00pm waiting for her "chew"(rawhide square). When my Mark comes home from work @ 5:00pm, 4 paws won't go racing through the house to the front door and a quick about face to get to the kennel for dinner. Every time I stand during the day there won't be a warm body against mine waiting to help at a seconds' notice. There won't be someone eagerly waiting to go outside to earn treats for a job well done practicing. There won't be a big puppy head, head-butting me when one of my migraines/mild strokes is coming to make sure I take my med......and not letting up until I take my pill w/water. And, there won't be a pair of gorgeous eyes looking up at me when I'm sad, confused, or crying to let me know that everything will be okay, and then licking my face and ears until I say "I'm okay".

There are a lot of things that won't be there any more. But now it's time for me to add new things in their place. Alli will be having new experiences and I, too, need to be able to accept new experiences and, eventually a new dog. I need to begin to allow myself to move on even while still in the grieving process. I've allowed myself to grieve since Alli's first visit to Tufts in May, heck, I think I began a bit sooner than that. I knew something was changing, something wasn't quite right even before May, I just wasn't sure what it could be. I am very good at compartmentalizing anything that can be overtaxing. I think that's how I've been able to stay relatively logical in my views of our situation. Allowing myself all this time to grieve has also allowed me to begin to move through the grief to the "other side". Knowing that this is not a "death sentence" for Alli, but another chapter in her life story, or act in her play, has made the grieving process kinder and gentler for me as I know she will go on being "Alli" for a long time. Now, I need to go on being "Wendy", hopefully for a long time as well. Knowing that she will have pleasant experiences allows me to look to the future in hopes of such experiences for me as well.

I think I've mentioned how Harry Chapin's song "Circle" seems so fitting in our lives right now. The first verse, "It seems like I've been here before........", obviously fits especially for Alli and Elizabeth and Andy. It also seems to fit with where I find myself now as well. The end of the first verse, "there's no straight lines make up my life, And all my roads have bends, There's no clear cut beginning, And so far no big ends", has always seemed to me to be the story of my life. I can't imagine a life/road without bends. I imagine it would seem to be a stagnant one. I much prefer the bends, you never know what's around the next one. It's the adventure that takes you there and the experience one grows through. The second verse, "I've found you a thousand times, I guess you've done the same.......""......as I find you here again a thought runs through my mind, Our love is like a circle, let's go 'round one more time" seems to be speaking directly to Alli's relationship with Elizabeth and Andy. And then, there's the chorus. "All my life's a circle..." It always seems you end up where you started but with a lot more experience to handle the next go-round.

I only hope that I've absorbed the knowledge and experience that was meant for me and that is what will carry me into and through this next chapter........I love a good read!!!!!

Peace,
Wendy & Alli

Friends, Old and New and Support.......

Today was a wonderful day. I hadn't expected it to be, but yet, there it was. It was so easy being among others with a love for dogs and all they can do to help their human partners. I knew that this would be one of the last events that Alli and I would attend together and expected it to be difficult seeing all the "teams". It was, however, just the opposite! I felt so much support for both Alli and myself that I think "Indian Ranch" is just where we were meant to be today. I don't believe everyone from NEADS who was there today knows what Alli is going through and I did not speak about it except with those who are aware. Today, we were just a team there to help represent NEADS the best we could. And, what a dynamite team we are! Alli of course is Alli to a fault....she does so well, and just when you think she's going to be calm, she has to give a little jump and "kiss" whoever is petting or talking to her. Most of the time the people love it, most give a little chuckle, and Alli looks at me out of the corner of her eye as if to say...."okay, I sneaked that one in"! She does know, when to toe the line. As we walked around, we were stopped often and asked what type of service dog she is, what special skills she has, asked many questions about NEADS in general, etc. And, of course, she had her picture taken so many times. Everyone falls in love with her at first sight......and they love her little "prance" walk. So, today we were just a normal team, and if felt good. It felt good to be at an event where we could just set aside our problems for a few hours and be there for others. This is how Alli was meant to spend the first part of her career. She thrives on it and puts a smile on everyone's face. No one can help but reach out to pet her. At one point, while we were sitting on the wall listening to the Charlie Daniels Band, and older woman reached out and pet Alli as she sat against me. Shortly afterward, I noticed that her hand was down just petting behind Alli's ear and the woman had such a look of contentment on her face. I'm not sure she realized at that point that she was even petting Alli. That's what Alli is all about. Letting you know she is there for you in whatever capacity you may need her. Even if you're not sure what you need, Alli seems to.

Those that do know about Alli's vision problem are so supportive. They wish us well, tell us to keep each other safe, and even share moments we've had which bring a tear to their eye. Messages from friends, thank you Alexis, Bee, Ellen, Karin, John......etc.......help to keep me focused. It's kind of like when a family member or close friend loses someone close to them I often say that I hope that knowing they touched so many lives in such a positive or powerful way brings them a sense of peace. This I'm feeling myself through the words of others. Alli has such a way of making an impression on others.......I think always in a positive(if not comical)way......I already have that sense of peace one looks for. Alli is not being lost. She's actually being found. She is blessed to be able to be found for another purpose. Whether that purpose is just to add some enjoyment and enlightenment to the lives of Elizabeth and Andy, or if through this experience she is just meant to "chill", one can't say but I'm certain she will make the most out of it. She will also continue to make others smile, laugh, even the occasional "guffaw" just by being Alli.

While NEADS calls their "non-graduates", "fabulous flunkies", Alli is not a "flunkie" by any means. So I like to think of her as what a trainer from FIDELCO told me they call their "non-graduates"......."change of career dogs"......so, Alli is merely changing her career........

Peace,
Wendy & Alli

There Never Seems to Be Enough Time............

As the 24th of September approaches, I find myself having to make an effort to prepare both Alli and myself for our impending separation. Elizabeth has asked me if I would put together a routine/schedule for Alli to help make the transition a little less stressful for Alli. I'm finding that it will probably help to ease my stress as well as it gives me something to focus on. She mentioned that she imagines that Alli is relatively easy going, and she is.....except where meals are concerned! Not only does she love to eat, but she really needs to have her breakfast as close to 7:00am as possible. If not, the excess of stomach acid in her stomach tends to make her vomit. Of course, once she's fed her stomach is just fine!! And, if that's not enough, she needs to have an overturned bowl w/in her food bowl to help slow her down. It almost seems like I'm leaving a note for a sitter for the children......"this happens at this time, that happens at that time", etc. But, for the most part Alli just goes with the flow....... I have also begun to make a list of what needs to go with her. When I found out that I was getting a female black lab named "Alli", I picked up a canvas bag at the Christmas Tree Shop with an "A" monogrammed on it. I have always called it the "Alli" bag. I keep it in the car just in case we end up away from home at meal times or when we go away to stay for a few days. I guess I could call it her "Ready Bag" like they have on Criminal Minds when they have to be ready to travel at a moments' notice. In it, I keep her blanket, at least one mat, a zip bag with a puppy face on it with her treats, toothbrush and toothpaste and rawhide squares. I also keep her "bow wow bag" in it with at least 4 meals portioned out to cover us if we get caught away from home. I'm definitely sending the Alli bag with the blankets, but I'm not sure I'm sending the other bags as I don't know that they're necessary now that she won't be a working service dog after the 24th. Also, they are the perfect bags so I'm sure I'll use them again with my next partner......GOD, that seems so weird to say. I can't decide if it feels wrong to say it......which my brain tells me it shouldn't......or if it's just another way for me to ease into the idea that while Alli will no longer be my service dog, I do still need the assistance and a dog will be found for me at some point. I am also making sure that all of the toys that she regularly uses will go with her in their basket. I do make her pick up her toys when she's done playing by telling her , "time to pick up toys", and having her bring them over to the toy basket where I tell her to "drop-it". Hopefully, when I say it her mouth is over the basket, but sometimes she looks at me just before she drops it and then misses the basket all together. I usually "give her credit" for at least getting close, but she looks at me as if to say, "Is this close enough?" Alli also has 2 seat belts, a pillow for the car.....okay, so she's a bit spoiled..... doesn't she deserve it? I will also be sending her favorite beach and water toys, and certain toys which she likes to play "get-it" with, and still others which she uses for practicing "fetch". I plan on having a small collection of her favorite treats, especially the "Buddy Biscuits" that I use regularly when practicing Alli's recall. I also use them when she's outside either going to the bathroom or just hanging on the grass for a while. She tends to come on the first command with these and her recall has improved at least 1000%!!!!

It seems that Alli's vision may be progressing a bit quicker than anticipated. She really seems to be a bit more reactive during the daylight hours. She barks even when I'm not sure that there's anything to be barking at. I realize that dogs hear sounds which we cannot, however, after she barks she usually comes running over to stand by me. She also tends to growl a bit more. It's a totally harmless growl, I can usually tell her to "go check it out", and when she does, she seems more calm. This doesn't always work, and it really is very difficult to watch my "pushy broad" act more like a femme fa-tale. For this reason alone, I realize that getting her to her new "forever home" as soon as possible is the prudent thing to do. When you add the need for her to become comfortable in her new surroundings, become used to listening and following commands from someone new(kind of), and begin to adjust to her waning vision, I don't think we could even consider a later date, and am sooooo glad we didn't.

This Thursday, September 8th, I am one of the scheduled speakers at the RI Pain Awareness Day.......a brief word or two....and I am thankful that Alli will be by my side. While I know we will part in just a few short weeks, we need to keep up with our scheduled events. I think that's one of the things I''m going to struggle with once Alli has left. Over the years, I really have not had the self-confidence or, probably not even the self-esteem to speak in front of a group. I've always felt that what I have to say is important.....at least to me.....but not such that it would be important to others. Having received Alli, meeting my wonderful friends from NEADS as well as the awesome threesome from my class at NEADS, getting involved with the INvisible Project and through that, the US Pain Foundation and Paul Gileno and Nicole Hemmenway, has given me the courage to speak up and out. I even helped to pass HB 1083 in Connecticut by speaking with Senators and Representatives that expressed an interest. The law, the first of it's kind in the country bans insurance companies from practicing "Step Therapy" (aka "Fail First). Step Therapy is the practice by insurance companies of requiring a patient to "fail first" on one or more sometimes less effective pain medication before approving/filling the prescription which the patients' own doctor initially wrote for. I am quite certain that had it not been for Alli by my side I never could, nor would have ventured into that realm. I am concerned that when Alli is gone I won't be able to find my voice. I know I'll still have the same opinions, the same desire to make a difference, even the same idea of what is right and appropriate yet I'm not sure that my heart will give me the nudge I'll need. It's always easy to work it out in your head and list the reasons why you should go forward. However, I really hope that I'll have the heart to "do the right thing". While my health continues to decline, my pain level increases and I"" had yet another "stint" in the ICU over the course of Irene, I have to admit that my life has been pretty amazing since receiving the gift of Alli. One can choose to sit and whine and complain and play the "why me?" game.....or.....you can put a smile on your face say "it is what it is" and forge ahead. Yup, my head can reason anything.....let's put a "giddy-up" on my heart and hang in there. I really enjoy going to fund-raisers, speaking engagements, and visiting children in schools and the occasional library. Alli thrives on all of that and sooo much more. I think to tie this all in with what I'll speak about on Thursday....it's all about support. Both literally, figuratively and perceived. When you feel the support around you, most things seem bearable, even making the seemingly impossible not only possible but attainable.

Well I've tried to "upload" a couple different videos.....one of Alli in the water on Prudence Islalnd, and the other of her having fun going through some agility equipment at our dog park. Unfortunately, for some reason neither is making the grade....... I started this yesterday and just need to post it without the vids.

We've got just 18 days before the big move for Alli. Trying to make the most of every day and letting her know how much I love her and how special she is...........love, love, love, love.......her

"Til next time.......
Wendy and "Alli-Girl"